In a Brave New World... With just a handful of men... We'll start all over again.

 This is a story of Redemption.

At least I hope it is... will be.

So...

Where to start?  The beginning is a dull, safe option but I can't bring myself to go that far back in time, so read the About This Blog box for the summary.

Oh and as the kids today say, Content Warning: Mental health, suicidal ideation, general bad stuff.

Ready?

Here we go then...

So in my last post seven years ago I may have hinted that not all was well in my gaming circle.  A combination of people moving on with their lives, moving away, having their own problems that might have made them less fun to be around.  Combined with a new job that turned out not to be as promised that was wearing me down and wearing me out. I had less and less time for gaming, except for a little bit of D&D played remotely over a Virtual Table Top.  I was wilfully ignoring the trauma built up from my parents' passing and pushing myself more and more towards trying to make something positive out of the work situation. 

Meanwhile the Black Dog stalked in the background biding its time.

Things fell apart in February 2020, a combination of physical health and what felt like betrayal at work.  The Black Dog pounced.

I was 49 years old with what felt like no hope.  Plans were made.  I did not intend to ever be 50 years old.

Luckily, that was when the world decided to end.

I do like to say that the global Covid 19 pandemic saved my life, and there's more than a little truth to it.  The lockdown isolation didn't affect me as much as others, since I was already in isolatioin when it hit. I don't want to go into details about my planned method of exit from this world, but the changed circumstances  made it impossible for me to carry out.  Coughing and gasping for breath from Covid was not a suitable alternative way to go in my mind so my mood gradually shifted from despair to sheer bloody mindedness.  The world.. changed.

So now it's three years later.  I've changed.  There are meds.  There's therapy.  There's still the Black Dog lurking in the background but I'm learning where he comes from and how to house train him. I'm still in the unhappy job but I'm now a permanent home worker, and accepting that this is just to pay the bills and will never be a source of satisfaction.

I am, for various reasons, now pretty much housebound.  Maybe circumstances will change and I'll once again feel up to going out into the world.  But if not, I am content.  I have changed.

I am also alone.  Partly through necessity, partly by choice.  The guy who desperately wanted to put on big spectacular participation games so that his circle of gaming friends and acquaintances would like him, he's gone. External Validation vs Internal Validation, as the therapists say.  My hobbying, in whatever form it takes, is now for my benefit and enjoyment alone. I'm lucky that my remote D&D gaming has blessed me with a group who I find myself 100% in simpatico and I cherish them greatly, but for tabletop wargaming I am now committed by deliberate choice to the path of the Solo Wargamer.  

"Alone is an unfortunate predicament. Lone is an aesthetic choice." - Batmanuel, The Tick

So what's the plan for this blog?  This is for me.  It's entirely possible that someone from my previous life in the Before Times still had the Axis in their RSS feed and have made it this far without hitting delete. And there may be some who've stumbled onto this blog (though god knows how, I didn't even know if blogs were still a thing!)  For all of you, Greetings!  My name's Chris though online I go by Doctor Vesuvius or just DocV.  I'm a greybeard gamer of 53 summers.  I'm going to use this blog as a journal to help collate my thoughts on gaming and to try to help bring myself up out of one of the deepest pits a human soul can find themselves in back into a new age of wargaming.  Read... or don't read.  Comment, or don't.  This blog is 100% for me but know that you are welcome here.  It will be all about making things and rolling dice and pushing toy soldiers around a tabletop full of those made things, but in a way that works for me now.  There'll be only passing references to mental health and hopefully they'll be much more positive than this.